I Was Sold to SO Hard – And I Love Every Minute of It

A little lesson about the psychology of effectively selling things for you today, in a way that allows you to live with yourself:

It’s an early Spanish morning, first Saturday of the month – the day when there’s a rummage sale in the park.

I saunter to and from the stalls, say hi to friends walking around, feast my eyes on all the bits and pieces people have out for sale.

Looking at some books, I’m interrupted by an older English gent.

He picks up a suit jacket and holds it out for me:

“Look at this, it’s perfect, it’s your size, mint condition – here, try it on”.

A little smile on his face, a big glint in his eye.

Evidently, an individual with a lots of humour, and people skills too.

I smile, decline the offer, explain I have plenty of jackets, but he won’t have it:

“Only two Euros, it was made for you, here I’ll hold your backpack. Here you go”.

Starts tugging at the backpack’s shoulder straps, making a big fuss out of being servile, playing the part of overly invested tailor or butler with great flair.

I can’t help but laugh, crack a few jokes back, and within minutes the situation escalates into an impromptu improv comedy thing. Hilarious.

Meanwhile, he literally leaves me no room to breathe, and very deftly sells me (hard!) on trying the jacket on, and then paying two Euros for it – in a way that literally leaves me no choice. Pretty much coerced me into a sale.

It was the hardest sale I ever experienced, and believe me, I’ve had some hard sales pitches thrown at me.

This guy though?

Beats them all, and here’s the thing: I loved every minute of it!

As I walk home, endorphins and dopamine rushing through my system, I reflect.

There’s a definite feeling of glee and even mild euphoria, despite having been forced into buying (an admittedly nice) thing that I didn’t need.

He did exactly what you should never do when you’re helping a person decide to buy from you or not.

And yet it worked, and I’m even grateful for the experience.

Now, nearly everyone has either objections to sales and selling, or has unresolved subconscious limiting beliefs about it, or both.

And if that’s you and you own a business, remember this:

The explanations, the features and the rationale for buying your thing, that’s not what causes the decision.

It’s how someone feels, once all the rational considerations line up.

The emotion triggers a purchase decision, always.

If you want people to buy your thing, make them feel good.

Smart people have said that nobody buys from a clown, so I don’t recommend you make a spectacle out of yourself the way my English vendor did, but a bit of tastefully placed humour will have a very good effect on the outcome of your sales conversations.

Be authentic and not manipulative, but make people feel good.

That’s what causes people to want to buy from you.

Smile, nod, listen, ask, say something funny if appropriate, listen a whole lot more – you already know how to have a fun conversation. Why would you give a buyer anything less?

If ever you and I end up talking about working together, you’ll experience firsthand how much fun and relaxed a ‘sales conversation’ can be.

Best of all, it’ll change the way you gain your own customers.




It breaks my heart to see people struggle, be it in life or business or relationships.

Especially when the remedy – or at the very least, a massive improvement – is so close at hand and so simple.

Because the easiest way to end up in a state of struggle, fretting, worrying, procrastination or what have you, is to not be intentional.

Specifically, being intentional about your attention and where you place it.

Enter the concept of attentionality:

A deliberate, thoughtful method of setting an intent on where you place your attention.

After all, your mind is always paying attention to something or other.

And poblems occur when we allow it to pay attention to the ‘wrong’ things – i.e. allowing it to focus on things that we didn’t deliberately set for it as a point of focus.

Not sure this applies to you?

Ok, try an experiment:

Set a reminder in your phone, to show up every ten minutes, and display the question: “Where is your mind?”

You only need to do this for a few hours, in order to realise that your mind goes ALL over the place, and very often ends up occupying itself with trifles, negative thoughts, blame, complaints, and a host of other topics that don’t contribute to your well-being, focus, productivity or results.

And all this just because we let our minds roam unleashed nearly all of the time.

I like to think that 95% of our mental time is spent on random stuff, in which you’ll find a lot of negatives.

But in that 95%, your mind is programming itself for what it will think about next, what it will opine about events and people, how it will interpret things, and what it will or won’t cause you to procrastinate on.

The remaining 5% may be constructive creative thought, or focus on problem-solving or executing on deep work, but if there’s too much crap in the 95%, it’ll sabotage the results of that 5%.

This is why mindfulness has become so popular: when you become more mindful of what your mind is doing at any given time, you’ll find it easier as well as desirable to become more directive of what your mind is doing.

Put differently, it’s worth your time to develop meta-awareness: to make it a habit to think about your thinking.

Pay attention to your mind, because otherwise it’ll choose its own area of focus.

Ask yourself, throughout the day:

Where’s my mind?



You Wayfarer, You

There’s a lot of bandying about changing the self, and mind, and mindset – and I talk about it as well.

But not because I think you must change or that there’s something wrong with you.

In fact, I don’t subscribe to the problem-thinking that says that there’s something wrong with us that needs fixing.

No, the point of talking about it, is that you can’t not change.

You inevitably grow, add knowledge, forget priorities, postpone goals, lose sight of friends… you change by nature of how individual evolution works. (At least, I hope your path is one of evolution, and not the opposite)

You leave behind the person you are now, and morph into a slightly (or majestically, depending) different version of yourself.

Remember that, whenever you feel that things aren’t working or you’re stuck in bad habits or when you doubt your abilities.

You’re changing at every and any moment.

So if you ever feel stuck or depressed or frustrating, just keep walking.

We’re all just wayfarers on the path of life anyway, moving from version a to b to c and so on.

If ‘me, today’, isn’t the version of you that you want to be, keep walking.

It’s the only way to leave behind the version that you are now.

Happy trails, my friend. Happy trails to you.



Freedom vs Liberation

It’s natural to desire freedom.

Freedom to make your own choices, spend time the way you want it, spend money as you please, freedom from oppression and manipulation and restrictions… all good things.

But freedom is an abstract, it’s not tangible. I mean, you couldn’t bring me freedom and put it on the table, point and say: ‘That. That’s freedom’.

And if that’s not enough, there will always be things that prevent us from being truly free.

You’ll always be subject to the rule of law, for example (unless you’re a maffia boss or other kind of outright crook, and even then you won’t be free, because you’ll be hiding from the law).

Freedom is elusive, impossible to define, and non-existent as a ‘thing’ or a state of being.

Even in alternative circles or hippy culture, where the idea of being completely free is so popular. Simply try showing up there in high heels and a miniskirt, or a business suit, and you’ll quickly see how people there are not at all freeeither.

This might all sound very gloomy, but worry ye not for I shall proceed to hand you a mental ninja-move:

Forget about being free or the desire to be free, and contemplate on liberation instead.

For one thing, liberation leads to increased freedom, and even better:

Liberating yourself from things is something tangible and practical – it’s something you can DO.

Some things, you’ll never be free of.

Having children, noise in your street, traffic lights, earning a living, breathing and eating, having to sleep, aging, and so on.

But beyond that type of thing, there’s a million things in your life that you can liberate yourself from.

Each time you liberate yourself from something, you become a little bit more free – which is a lot more fun that living with the frustrating desire to be ‘free’, whatever that means.

Freedom isn’t a thing – it’s a sliding scale.

You move up it the more you liberate yourself from things, and the easiest way to get started is by eliminating stuff.

Because we’ve all got too much ‘stuff’ in our lives, be it people, places, habits or things.

The struggle to be free will always be that: a struggle.

But the process of ongoing liberation?

Fun, effective, and yeah: liberating.

Let me know if you’re ready to start taking action – i.e. start making decisions on which things you want to get rid of.

It’s easier than you think, I’ll show you.



Can’t Have the Good Without the Bad? Rubbish. Here’s How to Shift the Baseline

It’s a common notion, especially in relationships: that in order to have the good times, we also need to accept the bad times.

A thing which is usually said by someone who’s been a jerk and uses it to justify causing a bad situation, I think. But I’m not a relationship expert.

I am however someone who doesn’t need the bad in order to have the good.

Not in relationships, not in life, and not in business.

(I’m open to influence though, so anyone who wants to make a case about why good and bad have to go together, feel free to write in and make your point. You’ll have a hard time persuading me though.)

Seriously though: good compared to what? Bad compared to what?

Here’s the thing:

Everything in our experience of life has a baseline, a ‘normal’.

For someone who’s constantly stressed, their ‘normal’ or baseline, is constantly high.

What’s relaxation for that person, would be a high level of stress for others.

Someone pessimistic has a low baseline in terms of outlook on life – and even their most optimistic moments would seem gloomy to folk like me (and I hope, you).

The trick to not having the bad, is to adjust your normal. To shift your baseline.

Because there will always be ups and downs, that’s just life.

Your experience has peaks and troughs, a constant sine wave.

And logically, if you shift your optimism/pessimism baseline up, the troughs won’t be as heavy.

If you shift your stress baseline down, the stress-peaks won’t wear on you as much.

And, in terms of relationships: if you shift your harmony-baseline up, the bads won’t be quite as bad. (3 hints to make that happen: 1: don’t try to change the other, 2: actually listen properly, 3: never treat the other as if your view of them is correct and factual. It’s not, not ever).

Anyway, our ‘normal’ baseline becomes a norm over time, and we behave and experience as if that’s just the way things are – but they’re not.

Your baselines are under your control.

Optimism, stress, motivation, enjoyment, abundance, wealth, productivity, friendships, communications, habits, conscientiousness:

You name it, and there’s a baseline present in your life, and around that you get your peaks and valleys.

So how do you shift the baseline?

Well, you can hire a coach, or get therapy, or learn to meditate, but really, the solution is simple and already in your reach.

First, become aware of where your baseline in any given area is at. Compare to how others experience or operate.

Next, analyze to learn which people, places, habits or things keep your baseline too high or too low.

Finally, eliminate those disruptors that keep your baseline where it is.

You’ll see it shift by itself.

What baseline is too high or too low in your life?

What do you plan to do about it?



All This, to What End?

Sometimes it’s difficult to stay motivated, to stay on task, to keep moving forward.

What usually happens is that we start beating ourselves up, and we use our goals as the stick we do it with.

Want to write that book. Have to pay those bills. Need to find more clients. Must get this project done for once and for all.

Telling ourselves all the things we ought to be doing, should be doing – shoulding all over ourselves, and it rarely works.

The reason why those goals don’t motivate, is that they’re not the real, the actual goals.

They’re only milestones, markers of an effort or an accomplishment. But behind them, there’s another goal, and another one behind that, and then one more, and so on.

The why of your doing things always has another why behind it.

So when you find yourself struggling to keep your momentum, it can be very useful to ask yourself what is the why behind the why. And the one behind that.

The one grand question to ask them all: all this, to what end?

The best thing you can do, is figure out what’s the why behind the why behind the why.

Find your ultimate, over-arching motivation, and I promise:

Making money isn’t it. Free time isn’t it either. Becoming famous, or an authority in your niche, or the best at thing X – they’re only milestones. They’re the consequence of action, and an indicator of results – but they’re never *it*.

Meaning is it. A purpose in life. A reason why.

Running your life or your business with a clear search for meaning, or dedicating your efforts to the meaning once you found it: that’s what motivates.

It’s like a magnet that pulls you along, which is a lot easier and more fun than having to push the boulder up the hill all the time.

So what’s your purpose, what gives meaning?

In your life, what’s the answer to ‘all this, to what end?’

Hit reply, let me know. I’m curious.




It’s easy to miss when we’re doing it: those moments when we’re trying to persuade someone, convince them of the use or validity of our point of view, or indeed, when we’re trying to goad someone else into some sort of action or decision.

And whenever we fall into that attitude, the results vary from ‘tiring and pointless’ to ‘outright disastrous’.

A buyer shouldn’t be persuaded, but instead should be shown an insight about the purchase, that helps them decide whether or not to make it.

A child shouldn’t be forced to eat their greens – your job as a parent is to figure out what makes them want to eat them. (tough job, I know).

When an employee underperforms, threatening to fire them isn’t helpful. Much better to figure out what’s going on that prevents them from being their best. After all, there’s always a reason.

Force and persuasion may work, but at a high cost.

You’ll find it far easier, productive, and fun, to enroll people.

In each of the examples above, you’ll see it’s about stepping into the other person’s world.

Do that, and they’ll feel safe.

In the other person’s world, you don’t have to state your case. All you need to do is figure out what’s happening there, and identify which changes *you can make about yourself* so as to facilitate some process, decision, or buy-in from the other person.

It’s said that ‘nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care’, and it’s true.

It’s why taking the attitude of enrolling people is so effective. They feel safe, they’ll know you care about them, and so they’ll be more willing to enroll in whatever solution you present.

Where it comes to relations and communication, the solution when you meet resistance is rarely ‘more force’.

Using force means you’re making it about yourself, and about how right you know you are. Which you may or may not be, doesn’t matter.

What matters is that asserting that you’re right makes the issue about you.

If you want to enroll people and create the kind of results that everyone benefits from, you’ll need to make it about them.

You do that by stepping into their world.

Oh, and if it’s time for you to bring a coach into your world, just let me know.



Design the Undesigned

It’s easy to spot good design – whether we’re talking about a car, a kitchen knife or a website.

Good design is a joy to use, literally so.

That’s what good design does: it affects your state.

Bad design also affects your state. Sometimes in obvious ways and sometimes subtly – but even then, it adds up.

Trouser pockets in just the wrong place, a steering wheel that blocks your view on your speed, an off switch in a hard-to-reach location… an annoying aggravation each time you interact with it.

Good design makes life easier, lighter, more efficient.

But there’s a design element that nearly all of us ignore.

And yet, it’s one of the most powerful, influential determinants of your wellbeing, productivity and results.

I’m talking about your mental and emotional state – something that’s fully in your control to design, if you pay a little attention.

How you feel, your grit and fortitude, your creative problem-solving abilities, your level of execution and persistance:

The higher your state, the better you’ll do and feel.

And that state is something you can design, with the lowest-hanging fruit being your environment, consisting of everything from people, to objects, to your planning, your physical surroundings, the music you listen to, the media you consume…

An entire system that envelopes you all day long… and I’ll bet there’s a bunch of things in your environment that do nothing to lift your state. And other things that clearly bring your state down. (News, anyone?).

This system has designed itself around you, and it does so all on its own. Life configures our environment for us.

Smart people work with their environment deliberately.

They tweak, and modify and configure and experiment, until they’ve designed their own optimal environment for living in, and staying in, the highest possible state.

When you do that, when you support your state intentionally, it has repercussions on all levels.

Taskload is easier to bear. Screaming kids don’t get to you quite as badly. Problems get easier to solve. Setbacks and disappointments are much easier to bounce back from. Aggravated relationships get easier to improve. Conversations flow with more ease. You get the uncanny feeling that hey, you got this. You’re in control.

And best of all? A high state is the best protection against damage to your state.

If your environment is the natural hodge-podge that life threw together for you, you’ll find enormous benefit in getting intentional about it.

Bring some design into your environment.

Design the undesigned, and you’ll do wonders for your state.

You’ll see what I mean.



The ‘Secret’ of the Happiness Outcome

I turn into my street, and there’s a guy with a map under the streetlight.

Nice chap, mid 50s. I stop to give him directions, and we end up chatting.

Turns out, he’s a scientist who was on the team for one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs of the last 5 years. (this is a true story, but discretion prevents me from saying which breakthrough in particular. Anonymity etc).

And he’s not happy with the achievement. Far from it.

Instead, he’s confounded and rather lost.

He spent decades doing research, finally made the big discovery, and now… what?

What next?

What’s there in life now that he’s completed his life’s work?

This void-after-achievement is far more common than you think, and it’s easily avoided.

We think that the outcomes we work for are the things that will make us happy.

But the gold-medal athlete has no higher to go, while the bronze medalist made the grade, AND he gets to aim for higher. Yay!

Getting a promotion or a big client or getting married or becoming a parent: it’s all very wonderful, but it all brings another set of problems or consequences or obligations.

And we find time and time again that getting the wonderful outcomes somehow, oddly, doesn’t make us happy.

Improves things, sure – but weren’t they meant to make us happy?

Well no. Of course not.

YOU are meant to make yourself happy. There’s a lot of choice in there.

And when you are happy, or at least you’re in a good place mentally and emotionally, your efforts towards creating your desired outcomes become more fun, faster, and more effortless.

And it starts with you and your decisions.

Specifically, decisions around what objectives you give priority.

In making those decisions, it’s good to have an outcome in mind – in business, usually related to some number in terms of sales or revenue – but in order to create that outcome, your objective should be based on behaviour.

Because it’s your behaviour – how you show up to the task at hand – that determines the material outcome you get.

Don’t make ‘attainment’ your objective, but performance.

Not only will it prevent you from falling into a void, you’ll also find that the constant feedback of ‘I’m at it, keeping at it, checking off the tasks’ is a tremendous motivator. It makes you happy.

Because that’s the secret of the happiness outcome:

Happiness isn’t an outcome to aim for in the first place. Instead, it’s a tool to help you get an outcome.

Each time I see a client make that mental shift, magic starts to happen: business becomes more fun, more effortless, and yes: more profitable as well.

And I’ve got a whole bunch of simple&effective shifts like these up my sleeve.

Come and get some…



The Antidote to ‘Death By Opportunity’

Housekeeping: Sorry about last Friday’s messy formatting – looks like some people had all kinds of weird characters in their email. With me you get typos free of charge, but that mess wasn’t meant to happen.


In a world as big as ours, there’s practically unlimited amount of opportunities.

Every email you open, every streetcorner you turn, each stranger you look in the eye in passing, every book someone recommends – you never know what opportunities you’ll encounter when you make a decision, but one thing is certain:

No matter what you do, you’ll ALWAYS meet opportunities.

Can’t be avoided. Even if the only opportunity at some point is ‘learn and grow from a painful situation’: There’s always something.

And that can be problematic.

It’s hard to figure out which opportunities are the best to dive into.

If you take them all on, you’ll end up adrift and directionless.

Following too many opportunities is a major cause of procrastination and stuckness (i.e. death by opportunity).

And there’s so many of them, all so interesting or filled with potential!

Should you take on that client?

Have that conversation you’ve been wanting to have?

Invest in that coach or that truck or that SEO service?

Accept the invitation to speak at an event?

Dig through your journals from last year?

Read that book that your gut tells you will cause a big shift for you somehow?

Reply to that email you haven’t had the nerves yet to reply to?

Go on that retreat?

Stay home tonight?

With so many choices and each with their own opportunities, how do we decide which of them ought to be in our lives or not?

If ever you’ve felt overwhelmed, or if ever you’ve gotten off course by choosing certain opportunities, the answer is:

Choose those opportunities that are aligned with your objectives. That’s the antidote to overwhelm or ‘death by opportunity’ or unfulfilling results.

Obvious and simple as a concept, but very tricky to put into practice. Works though.

Whatever goes in your mix of objectives (hobbies, revenue, relationships, fun or sales or fame or happiness etc etc), let that mix of objectives be your north star for decisions and choosing opportunities.

Everything that’s not aligned: best ask yourself long and hard whether you want to go for it.

Because everything that’s not aligned with your objectives, will very likely prevent you (or at least it’ll slow you down) from reaching them.

And if you’re not clear on what your objectives are?

Then stay tuned for tomorrow’s email, I’ve a tip for you.



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